The unwritten rules of the SGC
by Matrix234
Summary: Mini fics detailing the unwritten rules of the SGC. Betting, uniform, offworld, relationships etc... Rated T for language. Please Read Authors notes they are important! . S/J sorta, ah heck, look for all pariings. R'n'R please!
1. Betting

**The unwritten rules of the SGC.**

_Disclaimer: I do not own SG-1 or anything associated with them. If I did, Pete would have been killed in a very nasty way, O'Neill would never, ever had left, the frat regs would have been thrown out the window and Janet wouldn't have died! cough _

_Plot: OK, I'm bored, have insomnia. I'm moving out of my house to a university 350 miles away, so I am completely and utterly wrecked. _

_I started watching the old re-runs, and in my group of friends anyway, we have unwritten rules, and I started to think, wouldn't they have unwritten rules as well? _

_So these will be short, (in some cases very short) lists, stories etc… this will cover, betting, general attitude, clothing, attitudes to other species, what happens in an emergency etc…_

_(If this has been done before, I do apologise but, in my sleep deprived state I sadly could not find it. If anyone else can I would appreciate being told) _

_Rated: T for bad language… _

_Pairings: I would be a liar if I said it didn't have S/J implied…or D/V implied, or D/J implied or T/I…heck, just look out for pairings._

_AN1: For those waiting on **"Jack and the Devil"** I am very sorry, I can't seem to write anything that I am happy with, I promise you, it will be updated by the end of October at the very LEAST! If it isn't, hunt me down, tie me to a steak and burn me!_

_AN2: Don't count on an update for at least 3 weeks. So you are getting a 2 for 1 deal. As I said, I'm moving, and then fresher's week, the start of my Uni course…yeah, so apologies. _

_AN3: if I don't get at least 6 reviews there won't be an update!_

_No Beta, all mistakes are mine and mine alone (and muses', but I can't blame her)_

_Ok, enough prattle, on with the mini stories_

* * *

**Betting**

(The 13 unwritten rules for betting)

It is common knowledge, at least among the older members of the SGC, that betting on the outcomes of each mission, as well as the personal lives of some of the more important members, 

was perfectly acceptable, and I'm some cases expected. Even the newer recruits soon became accustomed to the ins and outs of the SGC betting system.

Each new member, was informed of the 'unwritten' (although, there were rumours circulating that someone had written them) rules when it came to betting.

**  
1) Each short running bet must be changed each week. **

This is for a simple reason. Bets that run on for longer usually end up being forgotten. Not to mention, that if a bet runs for longer than a week, you can bet your bottom dollar that something else would have come along.

Short running bets, such as how long after Sg1 goes off world will they be coming in hot, would provide short lived entertainment, with small win-falls that usually brought a round at the bar.

**  
2) Each win from an injury related bet must, at least partly, be put back into the betting subjects.**

It was agreed, that, should a member of the SGC be injured in the line of duty (which was not uncommon) then anyone who benefitted should make a contribution to the 'get well' fund.

It was also commonly agreed that it should be anonymous. This was the reason Walter often had unnamed packages taped to, or resting on top of, his storage locker.

The amount won, was also directly related to how big the 'contribution' was.

When Walter, who, after a surprising amount of good luck, finally got injured after an 11 month run, finally regained consciousness, a large white box was waiting on the floor next to his bed.

In the box contained every novelty item the Simpsons' had ever made coming in at a total of 1500.

**  
3) Each bet made on SG1 must never, ever, reach the ears of Jack O'Neill**

This is for the simple, and understandable reason, you do not want a pissed off Jack O'Neill after your ass.

This rule came about after an unfortunate incident with the Tok'ra. It was well known that Jack O'Neill had very little patience when it came to dealing with the Tok'ra so betting on it was common. The bet in question was "How long will it take before Col. Jack O'Neill causes an interstellar incident" the winner was a new airman who had been a little more than lucky to have guessed 40 mins.

Gossiping in a corridor, winnings in hand and thanking said Col's lack of patience when he was coming around the corridor, however, was unlucky. A fact that was confirmed when the airman was swiftly transferred to Area 51.

**  
4) Bets placed on SG1's missions must never be repeated over a 4 week period**

The original rule was

"Bets places on SG1's missions must never be the same each week"

It was agreed that it was a pointless rule. SG1, who were nicknames the unluckiest team in the world, never had a quiet week, and each week never repeated itself.

But betting that Daniel would die, Sam would be possessed, Teal'c would switch allegiances and Jack would piss a culture off, week in week out, was getting boring and stale.

Hence the rule was changed to make sure a minimum of a 4 week rotation was added.

**  
5) Each win from betting on Daniel's death must provide the biggest wreath at the memorial service**

It started off by coincidence, the first injury on the flag ship team happened to be death, and it just happened to be Daniel. He was the firm favourite for the simple reason he was not military trained (that or Col. O'Neill would shoot him).

The winner had taken it upon themselves to bring the biggest wreath to his memorial service.

When it became more socially acceptable to bet on Daniel's death, or rather the outcome of Daniel's death, the tradition was picked up, and made into a rule.

**  
6) Death does not immediately invalidate the bet.**

With the amount of times the members of the SGC (or more particularly Sg1) escaped death, cheated death, came back to life, descended or just 'appeared', it was common practice to wait at least 6 months before the closure of a bet due to death.

**  
7) Once a long running bet has been made, you can only bet once.**

It would seem obvious, that if the bet ran long enough, people's opinions would change, things would happen. Covering all your options was not allowed, you could remove your original bet and place a new one but you must not have 2 bets at the same time.

**  
8) Each bet must never endanger the career of the subjects**

While betting on whether two members 'hooked up' was common, it was also phrased so that if the bet fell into the hands, or on the ears or people who were less then cooperative with the SGC, no career would be placed in danger.

Bets on who retired first out of the two of them were also common, but the reason always had to be in code. This code was another unwritten rule of the SGC

No names were ever written down, instead the system of "I'm placing a bet on whether those 2..." or "Is the bet on the 2 of them…" or "is the bet on the 'you know what'…" was used. Making it confusing, but safe.

**  
9) Bets placed on aliens must be fair.**

This rule was introduced after the "Great cake incident"

The great cake incident was the stuff of SG-legend. It would remain a story told to children at bedtimes long after it was decommissioned.

Still sore after the death of Daniel, and having appointed Jonas after refusing point blank to hire a Russian, Jack took the opportunity to introduce Jonas to the SGC betting system.

It started off as an 'in team' bet, which spiralled out as word of the feat got out.

Simply put, Jack told Jonas that there was a custom on earth which meant that he had to eat all the cake he could in an hour, without throwing up

3 hours, 89 pieces of cake, 900, and a trip to the infirmary later, it was decided that to take advantage of Aliens was unfair, funny, but unfair

**  
10) You must not influence the outcome of the bet**

Placing bets on your own team was a fun was to add a dynamic to the group, and it gave you an unfair advantage. This wasn't frowned upon, after all, 60 were soldiers and 40 were scientists too busy to notice.

Influencing the outcome, however, was frowned upon, and the penalty was delivering bad news to Col. O'Neill for the appropriately deemed time.

Covering for your own team mates also earned you a punishment, not only did it make you an SG-outcast for a few days. (The last piece of cake would mysteriously vanish, the coffee would be drained before you got there, and the needles would be jammed in extra hard) it also meant having to explain the behaviour to the people who were clueless about the bet.

**  
11) You cannot place bets on bets**

Placing bets on who would win bets, was agreed to be taking betting a step too far.

At any one time there would be up to 20 different bets being run at a time, adding bets on who would win those bets meant 40, betting on those bets would make it 60…confusing at the best of times

**  
12) If you have sought out independent information before placing the bet, and didn't win, you cannot deprive said informant of coffee for revenge.**

Coffee, it was the fuel that kept the SGC running smoothly, 99 of everyone on base depended on coffee, and those that didn't, were lying.

It was Daniel that was the unfortunate victim which prompted the rule being made. The week that Captain Haman lost the bet on who would react the most strongly to the Gou'ald summit on earth, Daniel's coffee suddenly switched to decaf.

If the SGC though Col. O'Neill was bad without coffee, they had never met a Decaf-Daniel. People saw him coming, and promptly ran in the opposite direction.

Which lead to a memo being circulated, "To whoever controls the bets at the SCG, from General Hammond's office, under no circumstance is revenge to be taken by deprival of coffee or caffeine, anyone who does so will find themselves cleaning out toilets in Antarctica."

**  
13) If the President makes a bet, you can too**

If at any time you were unsure if it was safe to place a bet, there was one rule you went by.

If the president has placed a bet, you were safe to do so too.

Normally, the president restricted himself to "important bets", when he started to win, a lot, this broadened into "occasional bets" It was not uncommon for General Hammond to place two bets at a time, one for himself, one from the red phone.

The majority of the president's bet's, however was on a certain pair, or in the later years through General Landry, two certain pairs. This gave the rest of the SGC permission to place bets.


	2. Code of language

_Disclaimer: I do not own SG-1 or anything associated with them. If I did, well, things would be a lot different._

_AN1: Don't count on an update for at least 3 weeks. So you are getting 2 for 1. As I said, I'm moving, and then fresher's week, the start of my Uni course…yeah, so apologies. _

_AN2: If I don't get at least 6 reviews there won't be another update!_

_No Beta, all mistakes are mine and mine alone (and muses', but I can't blame her)_

* * *

**The code of language**

"**I missed you"**: I haven't stopped thinking about you

"**Don't do that to me again":** If you ever scare me like that again, I will kill you myself

"**How is DC?":** We miss you here

"**Sir. What are you doing here?":** Why didn't you tell me you were coming back

"**It's my side arm I swear": **Opps

"**Be careful"**: If anything happened to you I couldn't go on

"**Not exactly"****: **We haven't told our closest friends, I'm not telling you

"**You deserve to be happy":** You deserve him.

"**I wouldn't be here"** : I would be on my knee in front of you

"**Sir just go!": **Don't die because of me

"**Oh, I don't know, it kinda works for me": **Yep, that will pop up in a dream!

"**No, not like this":** A bed would be nice

"**(after techno babble) Carter!"**: Do you have any idea how hot that is?

"**Always": **I love you

* * *

Jack O'Neill sat tapping his pencil on the crossword, cursing that the Ancient knowledge wasn't making him any smarter in ways that would help. He looked at the next question. "Celestial body. 10 letters"

10 letters. He tapped the pencil

10. Tap, Tap, Tap.

10. Smile.

**M**

**J**

**R.**

**S.**

**C**

**A**

**R**

**T**

**E**

**R**

Smiling to himself, he moved onto the next question. It wasn't until almost 10 minutes later that he realised that he was going to have to give it to her. Thank god for pencil.

With the eraser he changed his answer. No less true he thought, just as Daniel got up and showed him a book.


	3. Rule number one

_Disclaimer: I do not own SG-1 or anything associated with them. If I did, Pete would have been killed in a very nasty way, O'Neill would never, ever had left, the frat regs would have been thrown out the window and Janet wouldn't have died! cough _

_Plot: I started watching the old re-runs, and in my group of friends anyway, we have unwritten rules, and I started to think, wouldn't they have unwritten rules as well? _

_So these will be short, (in some cases very short) lists, stories etc… this will cover, betting, general attitude, clothing, attitudes to other species, what happens in an emergency etc…_

_(If this has been done before, I do apologise but, in my sleep deprived state I sadly could not find it. If anyone else can I would appreciate being told) _

_Rated: T for bad language… they are soldiers after all. _

_Pairings: I would be a liar if I said it didn't have S/J implied…or D/V implied, or D/J implied or T/I…heck, just look out for pairings._

_AN1: For those waiting on "Jack and the Devil" I am very sorry, I can't seem to write anything that I am happy with, I promise you, it will be updated by the end of October at the very LEAST! If it isn't, hunt me down, tie me to a steak and burn me!_

_AN2: I know I said I wouldn't update unless I got 6 reviews, but there is only so much law work a gal can take before she goes nuts!_

_No Beta, all mistakes are mine and mine alone (and muses', but I can't blame her)_

_Ok, enough prattle, on with the mini stories  
_

The unwritten rules of the SGC

There are some that said they did it on purpose, either for the attention or for amusement, but SG-1 ever failed to leave it to the last moment, on the most dangerous of missions, with the fate of the galaxy hanging in the balance, with intergalactic bad guys beating down the proverbial door, to make contact.

But not once, NOT ONCE, has anyone ever doubted they would come back. Of course, there are those rare times, when people just start to wonder, but when questioned, they would shrug it off as a flight of fancy. Even the high brass at the top secretly kept their fingers crossed under desks or held their breath a little when the phone rang.

It couldn't be helped, it was SG-1. Even if that meant that SG-1 had to swallow their pride and be helped out, but, even then, it was normally one, or all members of SG-1 that saved the day in the end.

Of course, they didn't really understand, no one but SG-1 could have. They had no idea of what it took to make sure no one was left behind.

UNWRITTEN RULE NUMBER ONE: no one gets left behind!

Of course it wasn't written down, people where left behind all the time in the field. It was common sense, the one for the many.

But at the SGC it was a moral code, it was understood, it was them. If they could help it, even if they sometimes couldn't, no one dies alone, no one gets left behind, no one gets left to the mercy of a overbearing snake head with an attitude problem.


	4. Rules of SG1

_Disclaimer: I do not own SG-1 or anything associated with them. If I did, Pete would have been killed in a very nasty way, O'Neill would never, ever had left, the frat regs would have been thrown out the window and Janet wouldn't have died! cough _

_Plot: I started watching the old re-runs, and in my group of friends anyway, we have unwritten rules, and I started to think, wouldn't they have unwritten rules as well? _

_So these will be short, (in some cases very short) lists, stories etc… this will cover, betting, general attitude, clothing, attitudes to other species, what happens in an emergency etc…_

_(If this has been done before, I do apologise but, in my sleep deprived state I sadly could not find it. If anyone else can I would appreciate being told) _

_Rated: T for bad language… they are soldiers after all. _

_Pairings: I would be a liar if I said it didn't have S/J implied…or D/V implied, or D/J implied or T/I…heck, just look out for pairings._

_AN1: For those waiting on "Jack and the Devil" I am very sorry, I can't seem to write anything that I am happy with, I promise you, it will be updated by the end of October at the very LEAST! If it isn't, hunt me down, tie me to a steak and burn me!_

_AN2: I know I said I wouldn't update unless I got 6 reviews, but there is only so much law work a gal can take before she goes nuts!_

_No Beta, all mistakes are mine and mine alone (and muses', but I can't blame her)_

_Ok, enough prattle, on with the mini stories  
_

The unwritten rules of the SGC

SG-1's rules

SG-1 lived by unwritten rules, like every great family does. Some they observed out of respect, some out of gratitude, some out of the pleasure they got out of it, and some for more sadistic reasons. But all agreed, without them, they wouldn't be as close.

It had started off my accident, straight after Carter had been taken as a host. The guys showed up at her house with Pizza and beer as a way to cheer her up, they brought films, some more mushy then others, with the clear understanding that whatever the person picked, the others would watch, without criticism.

The second time had been after Daniel had lost Sha're. They had shown up with Pizza and coffee, along with some beer, hadn't taken "No" as an answer, and had settled down comfortably with a movie.

Teal'c was next, after he almost got turned into a bug (well, several of them). Star wars was the movie that night.

O'Neill was the last, just after he had the ancient knowledge removed from his brain.

It wasn't until months later, when Daniel, after one of his more prolonged caffeine marathons pointed out that all the bad things, (or more accurately as Teal'c pointed out the movie nights) happened on a Wednesday.

And so, rose the great SG-1 Movie night. Every Wednesday , without fail. Of course, in later years it would be hit and miss, but for almost 9 years, it worked, like all good rules.

It was not uncommon, late at night, when the base was nearly deserted, to hear the muffled, angry and sometimes downright pissed off screams of two scientists who had been forcibly carried out of their lab by a Jaffa and an old Colonel.

Much to the amusement of the rest of the base, it had started when Daniel had taken his phone off the hook to stop Jack pestering him. Half an hour later, he found himself in a fireman's lift, being carried out of the lab and away from his artefacts by a Jaffa who refused to be shaken by the numerous cursing and leg kicking.

Major carter soon learnt the hard way too. O'Neill had ordered her off the base, and she complied. For a whole hour.

She reasoned with herself that she had followed orders, she had left the base, it wasn't her fault that he CO hadn't specified for how long she had had to leave.

But word got out that she was back, and with an amused Daniel looking on, was carried out by her CO, who, ignoring the pain in his knees looked to be having too good a time.

Coffee is a luxury, not a right. Hence, 10 cups was the limit, any more then that (except live threatening reasons) then they had permission to get the cup out of their hands by means fair and foul.

Weapons were also used, off world and at home. Zat gun discharges in the labs were often heard by the shattering of a coffee cup followed by a very smug looking person walking out and a groan.

Personal relationships were not to be commented on. Even if the person was a low life, good for nothing, son of Ba'al creep. If they were happy, the team was.

Of course the team was always happier when certain members got together on rare special missions.

But no one would comment. Not even when the other persons date ogled at every girl with a hint of cleavage or a tighter pair of pants, they would just wait. And when that person decided to do something stupid, they would be there.

"I'm Fine" was not a valid answer. Mostly because "I'm fine" translated into "I'm not fine but I don't want you to worry" Of course, like every good family, they knew when to step back, let them have their time, and to butt in when they needed help.

"Always" really did mean "always". Until the earth rotated backwards, the sky turned orange and a plague of flying Goa'uld started skateboarding down the ramp, always meant always.

It was generally agreed that the "regs" sucked! Of course, they didn't use such language, or any at all, it was just a general concencus, that the regulations, whether at home or away, majorly sucked!!

The colour of the BDU's depended on the mood of the team. Of course there were rules governing BDU's within the team, but on the whole, it was a mood thing.

Only SG-1 was allowed to poke fun at SG-1. And any comment made in the presence of the team directly concerning another member, was dealt with in a less then friendly manner.

There was always time for Jello (and beer and cake and coffee) there was always time for a last meal.


	5. Dont bet on it I

_Disclaimer: I do not own SG-1 or anything associated with them. If I did, Pete would have been killed in a very nasty way, O'Neill would never, ever had left, the frat regs would have been thrown out the window and Janet wouldn't have died! cough _

_Plot: See other chapters_

_Rated: T for bad language… they are soldiers after all. _

_AN1: See other chapters_

_AN2: Ok, slightly different set up. Not a rule but a mini-cautious tale that LEAD to a rule. I know this topic has been covered, but, now-a-days, you can't get through a page without seeing at least 3 attempts at a threads re-write…I WILL NOT RE-WRITE THREADS! _

_AN3: This part will be a 2 parter. _

_I will take inspiration from others better then myself however._

_No Beta, all mistakes are mine and mine alone (and muses', but I can't blame her)_

_Ok, enough prattle, on with the mini stories_

**The unwritten rules of the SGC**

**Don't bet on it!**

It's simple really, you don't bet a team member in a bet. Never. It wasn't so much living with the knowledge you had bet a close friend, it was living with the friend after.

SG-3, forever in SG-1's shadow, liked to think of themselves as the second "coolest" team to step through the gate. They were marines, which unlike the rest of the air force teams, made them the most cocky and arrogant as well. Something which was obvious to all but them.

Having two different chains of command (in the end anyway) meant that they could pursue a relationship with a member of the Air force. Not that there were many women in the air force, and of those that were, they were either married or access to needles or had a really over protective CO.

But it didn't stop them admiring them when they walked passed. Of course, the women knew about it, most chose to ignore it, most smiled back but walked by, some took offence.

But there was always one prize valued much more highly then the others. Major Samantha Carter. Of course they knew of the rumour about her and O'Neill, but it was still worth the effort to try and get a date with her, if not just a social drink. But whenever they tried, said CO would show up and ruin their plans. There were suspicions of telepathy.

But, once in a while opportunities presented themselves the way well timed opportunities always did.

It was a quiet day, which meant a number of things. The SGC was, (military personnel anyway) bored. Some caught up on paper work, some spared in the gym some dragged their team to eat their body weight in cake, and others tried to make their own fun.

On this particular occasion, the members of SG-1 and 3 were in the commissary. The latter was boasting particularly loudly on their antics off-world with guns and fist fights. At one, particularly over the top story, O'Neill being the closest, couldn't help but let out a sarcastic snort into his drink.

The rest of SG-1 narrowed their eyes and then eyebrows at him and carried on with their meals, SG-3 however, feeling a sting in their ego, turned around slowly facing him. He seemed unfazed by the new attention and continued to sip his coffee.

"You think you can do better?" his voice was cocky, overconfident, every trait he hated to see in people defending the earth, he couldn't refuse the challenge.

"I think "We" done better on our first mission, and every mission that has ever come up since." being the same rank certainly had some advantages, not getting court marshalled for insubordination for one.

Daniel and Cater were trying not to make eye contact, wishing to be left out of the pointless pissing competition that the army men on the base seemed to be constantly having.

"Is that so?" Reynolds replied, sneering into his coffee "think you can prove that?" SG-1 saw where the conversation was headed, and didn't like it. Daniel being brave enough to add a "Jack" under his voice in a low tone of warning.

"What did you have in mind?" O'Neill continued, deliberately ignoring Daniel who's eyebrows were rapidly approaching his hairline. Teal'c merely watched the exchange as though watching a game of tennis, and Carter attempted to blend into the back ground.

Reynolds looked at his team for encouragement, it was not every day that they took on SG-1, it was an opportunity they weren't going to miss out on.

"Hand to hand, your team against mine, the gym." Although it sounded great in theory, they were starting to see flaws in the plan, namely Teal'c. But before they could provide stipulations O'Neill agreed, blatantly ignoring the protests of Daniel.

"So what do we get out of this? I mean, the thrill of kicking your ass aside, it's not a bet unless we get something" Castleman and Reynolds exchanged smug looks, before the latter cleared his throat.

"If you win, we will cover any mission you don't want to do, including Tok'ra meet and greats." O'Neill couldn't believe his luck, Daniel was also sitting there with his mouth open, but unlike O'Neill he was waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop.

"And if you happen to win?" O'Neill prompted, feeling a certain amount of apprehension build.

"If we win, we get to take Major Carter on a date" The cough from behind O'Neill brought every eye to the blonde sitting with a cup of coffee hanging in mid air.

"Excuse me?" she questioned with something akin to distaste and revulsion in her voice. She couldn't believe that she was the prize in a bet. But she didn't have to worry she told herself, O'Neill would never allow it, he wouldn't have the audacity to place her in a bet with another team for the sake of his ego.

"Done" This on word ripped through her mind and set it into a nose dive, as everything she had ever thought about her CO was torn into pieces. Teal'c made to speak but promptly shut his mouth, and chose instead to sit a little straighter, Daniel had no such self control, and pointed out just how bad the idea was.

SG-3 on the other hand thought all their Christmases had come at once, not that they actually had any belief that He would allow them to bet her, the fact he accepted it without reprimand made them just a little on edge. It wasn't everyday they got to do this.

"Done" Reynolds smiled, "1500, the gym." And with that, SG-3 got up and left, with smug looks plastered across their face. Jack turned back around and faced the stoney, stunned and utter disappointed faces of his team, with a smile. It was that smile more than anything that irritated her.

She got up, picked up her tray and walked away from them, stopping only when O'Neill called her name. It wasn't that she didn't want to be around them, it was that, at this particular moment, she couldn't look at _him_.

"Unless you are ordering me to stay _sir_" she laid particular emphasis on the sir "I have work to do"

And without another word, she walked out of the commissary not to her lab, but to the infirmary to have a little talk with a doctor. When she had left Daniel turned to Jack with a look of disgust

"You do know what you just did was completely out of order right?" Jack looked back with a little less sparkle in his eye.

"Indeed" Teal'c added "I do believe Major Carter would be well within her rights to partake of the right of Tal'Mel" Jack looked to Daniel, who after suppressing a laugh stated simply

"Silent treatment Jack" Jack simply leaned back in his chair with his arms folded behind his head smirking

"Fear not Danny-Boy, we have Teal'c on our side. We can't lose" Daniel and Teal'c exchanged looks, both raising their eyebrows. They both stood, leaving Jack on the table on his own, looking at up at the remaining half of his team.

"You had better hope we do, otherwise…Well, I'd start looking for a new Second in command if I were you, or a nice planet to live on."

"Indeed" Teal'c added, before bowing, and leaving the room, leaving a suddenly nervous Jack O'Neill sitting on the table on his own.

_XoxoxoxoxoXoxoxoxoxXoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoXoxoxoxoxoxx_

_Please R and R_


	6. Dont bet on it II

_Disclaimer: I do not own SG-1 or anything associated with them. If I did, Pete would have been killed in a very nasty way, O'Neill would never, ever had left, the frat regs would have been thrown out the window and Janet wouldn't have died! –Cough- _

_Rated: T for bad language… they are soldiers after all. _

_AN1: Thank you for the reviews. I would personally thank you all, but I don't have the time. _

_AN2: Suggestions! I do take them; don't be afraid to voice them. The only thing I ask is that you do it over PM. That way I can actually take the time to read them all separately without going through all the reviews_

_AN3: I'm SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY! Between more lab time then I care to do, the world's most boring lecturer, 9am starts all bloody week fights with Ebay, fights with bowsport and my friends messed up version of a love life –breathes- I don't have time to sleep, let alone write. _

_AN4: JACK AND THE DEVIL HAS BEEN DELETED. FOR REASONS PM ME_

_No Beta, all mistakes are mine and mine alone (and muses', but I can't blame her)_

_Ok, enough prattle, on with the mini stories_

* * *

**The unwritten rules of the SGC**

**Don't bet on it!**

Part 2

Ok, in hindsight, Jack O'Neill thought, that wasn't the best idea. He didn't know why he did it, it just happened. The only reason he had actually agreed is that he thought carter would take it a lot better than she had. They did, after all, have Teal'c.

He ran his fingers through his greying hair as he stared after his team-mates that had just left the commissary, and pushed away from the table. It was 1300, which left him just under 2 hours to hunt down his second in command and apologise.

'why though?' a voice in his head suggested 'the damage is done, may as well save it until after you have won'. He considered It, he really did. The 4 members of SG-3 were good, but they were better. 'ahh, but you aren't are you, you are LUCKIER!'

Damn, the voice in his mind had him there, sure there was skill involved, but when it came right down to it, it really was luck. Teal'c could most likely cripple the member he fought, carter would hold her own. Daniel would try his hardest, but he wasn't military.

Sure neither was Teal'c. But he was Teal'c!

The only weak link was the man that made the bet, the grey haired 40 odd colonel with bad knees and a worse temper. Suddenly he didn't like the odds as much as he had done. He still thought he would win, but it was no longer certain, and with such a tempting prize, he wouldn't be surprised if SG-3 fought dirty.

If only he had the damn bracelets back on, there would be no doubt, no question, just over confidence.

He wandered around the base for an hour. He thought about bugging Daniel, but he really didn't want another member of his team in a foul mood with him. it hurt him that carter thought he had bet her in a pointless bet. It wasn't pointless, they were proving SG-1 was the best! Hardly pointless!

'who are you kidding?!' the voice was back, and he had decided he didn't like it. It was like living with a Tok'ra. He reminded himself to talk to Frasier about that. 'You are moping because she isn't talking to you'

He narrowed his eyes at the voice and continued to walk. He thought about visiting Teal'c, but he decided that the Jaffa's quiet look of disappointment was about as appealing as a lecture from the archaeologist.

It was 14:45. He headed down to the gym, what he didn't expect to find was half the staff milling around in a perfectly formed circle around the mats. Word sure did travel far in the SGC. He could have sworn he saw money surreptitiously change hands as all eyes were drawn to the last member to turn up.

He plastered on a completely fake confident smirk as he stepped on the mats and waited for Reynolds who ooze cockiness as he strutted to meet him.

"The rules Reynolds?" he asked nonchalantly.

"One on one. Best of 3. Which means one of each team will sit this out. The other team chooses who. First to floor the other." He smirked, the rattled the rules off a little too quickly for him to come up with them on the spot.

O'Neill was suddenly less then comfortable with the idea, 'the other team chooses' he reminded himself. So that pretty much ruled Teal'c out. No one would want to face Teal'c especially when he was practically all that stood between them and Carter.

A sudden stab of jealousy hit his stomach. He didn't like this.

"Fine" he barked, joining his team who were glaring daggers at him from the corner of the gym. They were all in their gym clothes, Daniel in a lose fitting black t-shirt and shorts, Teal'c wearing his normal attire, and Carter in a tank top and pants, all glaring at him. He swallowed.

"Don't worry Carter, your knights in sweaty gym clothes won't let you down" she was not amused. She raised an eyebrow at him in a very Teal'c like way, Daniel chose that moment to take a step away from the group, shortly followed by Teal'c.

"Yes sir." She replied, just keeping her voice level enough to not be considered insubordinate. "But the knights don't normally _put_ the damsel in distress _before _they rescue her. Sir." She added, walking away to join Daniel.

He was stunned. Has she just said that? He turned to look at her quickly, and then walked back onto the mat, clapping his hands together to get the show on the road.

"Ok Reynolds, who are you too chicken to fight?" he asked, keeping his voice jovial.

The team looked at each other before Reynolds stepped closer, smiling. He was enjoying this.

"Major Carter. If we do win, we don't want her battered and bruised on our date" O'Neill cringed. He could imagine Carter's face. Outrage wouldn't even cover it. First she was the prize in the bet, now she couldn't even defend herself to get out of it.

He took a deep breath, and tried to get the "you are going to be murdered in your sleep" vibe to stop before looking over SG-3.

"Castleman. He looks as though he would snap if Teal'c hit him, I don't want any deaths, too much paperwork" he said glibly. In truth he was the only one in SG-3 who hadn't open ogled Carter.

"Deal" Reynolds replied before the two CO's shook hands. 10 minutes later it began.

First round: Teal'c v Walker.

Lieutenant Walker was built like Teal'c but didn't command as much presence as he did. With a single raised eyebrow the Jaffa had the man reconsidering the wisdom of the day's events. Walker aimed a very well placed right hook at Teal'c who simply ducked it, grabbing his wrist and pulling him around in a not so gently gesture that was almost breaking the mans wrist.

The man dropped to his knees and with a smug superior look that Teal'c earned the right to use, pushed the man onto his back with a rather forceful open palmed hit to his forehead. He bowed to the downed man, and walked off the mat receiving a grateful pat on the arm from Carter.

1-0

Second round: Daniel v Muller

Quite an even match as far as strength was concerned. It at least lasted longer than the 30 second match before. The growing crowd (O'Neill was sure at that point that the entire staff of the SGC were in that room and the gate room could fall to pieces and no one would notice) were enjoying the show. And the fight was getting rather dirty

Daniel, for his part was doing well. Not as big as Muller, he was holding his own spectacularly well, dodging about 90 percent of the hits and landing a few of his own. 15 mintues in though, both men were getting very tired. The close match in strength was enough to tire them out.

A well placed, if not a little unfriendly hit took Daniel out. He picked himself up, shook hands with the man and walked off, only to be commiserated by Carter who gave him a hug.

1-1

Third round: O'Neill v Reynolds.

It was only right that the two Colonels faced each other. All that went through O'Neill's mind was the 'One a piece' mantra that meant only one thing. He was Carters last hope.

It lasted less time then Daniels had, but still longer than Teal'c's. O'Neill was doing rather well. Reynolds was also doing well. And though he couldn't see it, Carter was nervously flinching every time O'Neill got hit.

O'Neill tried to stay focused on the fight, but his eyes wondered over to the remaining members of SG-3 who edged closer to Carter. It was at this time, Reynolds swept his feet out from under him and O'Neill found the world tilting at an odd angle.

He had failed. Not only had he placed Carter in a bet, and the betrayed look she was giving him cut him deeper then he cared to admit, he had just bolstered the ego of a team that didn't need it.

The crowd soon thinned out, until it was just O'Neill left. O'Neill and a punch bag.

2 days later:

Carter was finally talking to him again. Daniel had almost forgiven him and Teal'c had stopped raising his eyebrow at him. SG-3 had been gloating, and Siler gave him far too nice smiles for it to be sympathy.

He punched the elevator button with more force then was warranted and watched as the door started to close. Suddenly a folder jutted between them and a hand pushed the doors apart and stood in the elevator with him. Humming.

"Humming?" he asked, trying to sound like it didn't matter. He knew Carter, she didn't hum without reason. She looked at him curiously.

"I am?" she asked, trying to hide a smile

"You are" he confirmed.

"Sorry" she said, looking not in the least bit sorry. He growled internally. Humming Carter meant only one thing.

"What's his name?"

"Now why would you-" she started before he interrupted her.

"Humming" he stated simply.

"Reynolds. He was humming it over dinner." She chose not to notice the look of pain that past across his face.

"Good was it?" that sounded like a friend right? friends asked that? He asked himself. She was smiling.

"Amazing, he is a really good dancer as well, even better in private" she had to stop herself from laughing at the look on his face. It was almost disgust.

"Private?" he repeated slowly, as though if he said it slow enough the meaning would change to something he liked.

"Yeah, we were at it all night" she said, with just the right infliction, making it sound like she was talking about something altogether different. She had to stop. It was almost killing her. It had been as fun as Daniel said it would be, but the look on his face was one of utter sadness as though she just kicked his favourite puppy.

"Well, I'm just happy you found something other than…quarks" 'quarks? That's the best you can come up with?'

Sam smiled. Rubbing her shoulders sensually, as though working out knots slowly leaning her head to the side exposing her neck as he stared at her. The elevator stopped. But the doors remained closed for a few minutes

"A bit uncomfortable isn't it?" he asked, feeling the temperature rise in the elevator by about 10 degrees.

"Well maybe you shouldnt have placed me in a bet if you cant live with the concequences. Sir" She smiled as she walked out the door, leaving a very open mouthed Jack O'Neill staring after her. He could have sworn he heard laughing as the doors shut.

Beer with SG-3: 55 dollars

Cost of Cab: 35 dollars

Call to Daniel: 9 dollars

The look on your CO's face as he stares after you in open mouthed horror: PRICELESS

* * *

:D

I know I know, I practically stole that last bit from Chimera. So sue me (please don't :( I'm only a student with no money…I could pay you with rice?)

Next, by popular demand…the great cake incident.


	7. The Great Cake Incident

_Disclaimer: I do not own SG-1 or anything associated with them. If I did, Pete would have been killed in a very nasty way, O'Neill would never, ever had left, the frat regs would have been thrown out the window and Janet wouldn't have died! –Cough- _

_Plot: You know the drill by now. You asked for it to be written, A LOT…my god can you people clutter my inbox…so I did.._

_Still sore after the death of Daniel, and having appointed Jonas after refusing point blank to hire a Russian, Jack took the opportunity to introduce Jonas to the SGC betting system.__ A piece of cake or too much to chew? _

_Spoilers: You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't know Daniel ascended and Jonas replaced him…_

_AN1: JACK AND THE DEVIL HAS BEEN DELETED. DON'T COUNT ON AN UPDATE_

_AN2: Apologies for the drawn out updates, it has been HECTIC! Injured ribs aside, more work and essays and court review visits and archery and badminton and housemates and well…you get the idea._

_Please R'n'R_

_Ok, enough prattle, on with the mini stories_

* * *

**The Unwritten Rules of the SGC.**

**The Great Cake Incident.**

It had been three days. Three days in which the young man irritated, annoyed and generally bugged the hell out of the colonel. It had to stop.

He didn't actually mean to do it, he couldn't help it. His raw enthusiastic eager mind just oozed excitement. It was like babysitting a child. Thankfully they hadn't been off-world yet. He didn't know if he could cope. Still, better than a Russian.

And he did, sort of save the planet. He had to give him that. But that didn't mean that he had to follow him around all day like a lost puppy. His dark eyes so eager to learn, he reminded the older man of Daniel more then he wanted him to. This was probably why he didn't have the patience for him.

"- So why when the exponential output variance is off by 0.09 does it take a greater amount of energy to align the singularity to the –"

"AGGH!" O'Neill snapped, waving his two hands once in front of his body in the universal "give it a rest" movement "Go. Ask. Carter." He said slowly, making sure there was no room for misinterpretation.

Jonas looked at him as though he had two heads, then slowly, broke into an embarrassed smile as he backed away, turned around, and practically sprinted to Carters lab.

He hated sending the overenthusiastic man to her, but at least she would be able to understand what he was so excited about. He headed to the commissary.

About half an hour later, he was joined by a very harassed looking Carter and a babbling Jonas, not to mention a slightly smirking Teal'c. They headed over and sat down at their regular table. Carter with a her glass of blue Jello, Teal'c with half the SGC's stoke pile of fruit and Jonas with a piece of chocolate cake.

O'Neill glared daggers at him, having just finished his own, he was very resentful to the fact that he had to watch the guy eat another slice. Carter noticed the stare and smirked into her spoon.

"So colonel, Major Carter helped me solve that little problem, it was all about the phase variance-" O'Neill tuned him out as he witnessed the biggest cake crime of the century. While talking nonsensical techno babble, he was pouring cold custard over chocolate cake!

The man had to be punished.

"So, Jonas" he interrupted, putting a stop to the unending line of scientific terms. "Have you been formally introduced to the customs of the SGC?" he asked lightly.

Cater wisely remained silent, Teal'c cocked his eyebrow and sat a little straighter, a grape pausing halfway between mouth and plate.

"Of what do you speak O'Neill?" Teal'c asked, genuinely confused, he had undergone no introductions.

"You know, the commissary custom for ali- uh- ns." He finished lamely under the continual scrutiny on Teal'c's gaze. Pleading with his eyes to just back him up. "although, Jonas here might not be up to it" he finished mystically, knowing full well that the young man's interest peeked.

"Well, if it is a custom, I wouldn't want to insult you, I don't mind." Jonas said good-heartedly, feeling once again the need to please the people around him. Teal'c just raised an eyebrow, wanting to see what his friend had in store for the younger man.

Carter, although slightly annoyed with him, saw the evil glint in O'Neill's eye and stepped to Jonas' defence.

"You don't have to Jonas, really, there isn't -"

"Now, carter" O'Neill said in a warning tone "The man has already said it was alright" she reluctantly, if somewhat without protest agreed.

"Yes sir." Surprised at her lack of protest, momentarily paused, assessing the ground he was so narrowly walking on. Looking at Jonas, who was eagerly spooning cold custard and chocolate cake into his mouth, his mind was made up.

"There is a custom on SG-1, any new member must try and set a record supposed by the team commander. Me" he clarified. Carter looked between the two men, finding herself torn between intrigue or sympathy for the man at the receiving end on an impromptu O'Neill bout of boredom.

Jonas nodded, while O'Neill walked over to the cook behind the pudding section, whispering to her, receiving an answer, then whispering once more, a broad smile reaching from ear to ear. Carter sadly noticed she hadn't seen him smile like that since Daniel had ascended.

"Did he do this for you when you joined the team?" he meekly questioned Teal'c, who had returned to fruit mountain. "He did not" was the final reply. Not fazed by this answer, he turned back to watch O'Neill carrying a piece of cake over to them.

He placed the item on the table with the reverence of a sacred item, taking care to position it in the middle of the table. The fork on the right, the spoon on the left. The napkin folded perfectly to the right hand top corner. It was as though he was taking apart a nuclear bomb.

"Your challenge should you chose to accept it, finish as many pieces of cake as you can in the next hour."

It may sound simple to some, but it wasn't, the rich texture of the cake was only matched by its colour, the oozing layer of chocolate filling spread deliciously between the two layers of full fat chocolate sponge topped with sumptuous thick chocolate cream.

One piece filled you up for a day, two had you counting calories, three made you forget calories, four knocked 5 years off of your life and the fifth, well…no one had ever done it.

"So what's it to be?" he asked handing the fork over. Waving it in front of his face like a pendulum.

Jonas gave a nervous look around the table, having a mix of emotions confront him. Carter looked half nervous half highly amused. Teal'c remained stoic, but the corners of his mouth pulled up tightly and O'Neill looked smug and delighted.

He took the fork immediately. Human customs were certainly strange. Never in all his years had he ever heard of a custom that said eat as much as you could, unless you were on death row…but he was fairly certain he would still be alive at the end.

It was funny, in the time it took Jonas to finish eating his first piece of cake, half of the SGC (the very bored, on stand down SGC) was looking at him, he was starting to feel a little nervous.

The second piece of cake arrived as soon as he had finished his first. While not bigger, it certainly had a little more presence about it. It took him 4 minutes to finish it.

Money was collectively making its way down to Siler, who, decided to keep as far away from the table as he dared.

The fifth piece of cake had arrived, he was not even slowing down, he just ate, much to the horror of O'Neill who was shocked he had made it past 4 pieces, while he, himself had never managed to make it passed 3.

The young man was a machine, 38 pieces and 10 minutes to go until the hour deadline. The cheers started coming in fast now, half the military just glad for even a small semblance of sport, the scientists wondering if it was even possible for him to eat as much as he was.

Despite the hour being up, the roar of the crowd grew and grew, he carried on eating. The commissary, per order had brought out extra stock of cake. It passed well into the second hour. 76 pieces of cake had been eaten, and slowly, the commissary had began to be filled to the brink.

2 and a half hours later, Jonas was green. He was struggling to eat more and more, his BDUs while looking slack at the start had an unhealthy pull to them as the fabric stretched too tight. Walter ran in and out of the room, some say to keep General Hammond informed, some say to keep from throwing up as more and more cake was eaten.

The people closest to him, his team mates were starting to regret not acting sooner. O'Neill looked decidedly guilty, appalled at the butchery of his beloved cake, but guilty. Carter had her hand on his shoulder urging him to stop, while Teal'c looked from the man's face to his groaning stomach with concern.

3 hours, 89 pieces of cake later, Jonas couldn't move. A medical team who had been present decided to act before the medical team was actually called. Mostly they just didn't want to have to explain to Janet Frasier why they had sat by and watched as he ate himself into an early stroke.

When he was well enough to be released, he sought Jack out, not to ask him why he had done it, not to lecture him on the morals of petty gaming, but to ask if he passed, if he was part of the SGC. The innocence made O'Neill very ashamed, and although he would never admit it, his respect grew, not into like, or acceptance or even understanding, but it was a start.

The winner of the bets was a mystery, no one found out who had won, but one thing was for certain, Jonas was part of the SGC. He had shown courage taking the challenge. He had shown endurance lasting 3 hours, he had shown fortitude (well, his stomach had)

The great cake incident would live on forever, far into the future when the SGC was decommissioned, far into the future when the planets were populated by human-alien hybrid children and a moon base was built. It was told to children at bed time, it was told to sick and injured heroes as comic relief.

The great cake incident was the stuff of legend…but more importantly…it was an unwritten rule.

**Bets placed on aliens must be fair.**

To take advantage of Aliens was unfair, funny, highly entertaining, profitable and amusing for some, but unfair.

* * *

_AN3: OK, I will get back to the list style ones very very soon. but the demand was soo high for this_

_If there is ANYTHING you want to see included in the upcoming chapters send me a PRIVATE MESSAGE._

_all suggestions written over review will be disguarded no matter how good they are. _

_As always xxx Much love xxx_


	8. OffWorld 13

_Disclaimer: See previous chapters…_

_AN1: I have been begged…pleaded and sometimes bribed –munches on cookies left in her inbox- to write more lists_

_To that end…I have, just about. _

_It may be shorter then the other lists, but it is still a list. _

_Ever wonder about off-world rules? Who sleeps with whom? (In the non innuendo sort of way) Me too…when we go camping in the winter there are so many rules we had to make some form of list…so should they_

_Many thanks to the wonderful reviews I have received so far, but as always more would be nice and appreciated. _

_A huge thanks to SkyeRose for the __Double Entendres chapter, If you haven't read it, it's funny as hell! _

* * *

**The unwritten rules of the SGC**

**13 Off-world rules for SG-1**

The rules for off-world missions are simple, and completely dependent on which team you are assigned, for example what would be applicable for SG3 would not be so for SG7 or 15.

SG1 had the most rules, although some weren't strict, others were. They were the front line, the meet and greet. The team that if you told them it was an easy, peaceful mission would find some way to worry the pants off the staff at the SGC.

Here are their rules for Off-world missions.

**1) Daniel must have coffee immediately on waking.**

It is common to hear grunts and groans in the middle of the night if this rule is broken, not from disgruntled animals having people set camp in their home, but from an overtired, overworked, grumpy caffeine deprived archaeologist.

A Daniel Jackson that has not had coffee in the morning is a monster to be reckoned with, a true enemy of the galaxy, and has the rather curious ability to go from geek-antsy in the time it takes him to annoy Jack O'Neill…in other words…geek – antsy in a heartbeat.

**  
2) To prevent rule number one each member of the team must carry in their personal first aid kit instant coffee.**

It might taste like crap, but it got the job done, and better him complaining of the taste then biting the heads off the natives.

Other Items on the must have list:

- wirecutters

- extra chocolate

- paper and pens

- marshmallows

- salt

- pepper

- a satsuma

**  
3) Only 4 books can be bought by any person at any one time on meet and greets.**

Logical and simple, anymore than that and it becomes a waste of valuable FRED space.

Meet and greets were simple, go, meet, greet, translate, leave. Come back with more books.

On the first meeting you do not need to make the impression you are encyclopaedia salesmen who have brought the entire stoke with them.

4 books cover most eventualities. Easy storage and can personally be carried.

**4) You do not eat any food offered to you at any celebration, neither do you drink from any goblet.**

It may seem common sense, but being caught up in the party spirit can lead to lapses in judgement, especially from primitive cultures who always seen to be in the habit of partying with the new people.

Distrustful natives can poison your food or drink, age you at an alarming rate, knock you unconscious, or even hypnotise you. On rare occasions some even lower your inhibitions.

A number of incidences over the years led to this rule…think Argos…or P3-575

**5) While the idea of building a tree house seems smart, it is rarely practical.**

Stuck on a planet with forest after forest? NO PROBLEM! Build a tree house right?

WRONG!

As nice as sleeping off the damp ground actually might seem, the practicality outweighs the niceties

Leaving your kit on the ground as you set up camp in a nice tree? Never safe!

With Daniels tossing and turning you can only assume that he will fall our no matter how secure its meant to be.

Yes it provides better visibility but if you are in need of getting out of dodge quicker than you can say "pain in the mikta" then climbing down a tree with equipment is unsafe, unwise and generally, not done with dignity.

**6) Carter sleeps in the same tent as O'Neill**

While they explain it as one scientist to one warrior, this really isn't the case. Major Carter is perfectly capable of protecting Daniel on her own.

BUT… Major Carter is a woman!

Primitive cultures (with rare exceptions) are generally not that keen on women taking arms and fighting along with the men.

Mostly, they are seen as cattle, traded and used. More than one broken nose had resulted for a mission gone wrong.

It had annoyed her at first, but as more and more missions went downhill she came to the conclusion it was better to play along with a fantasy then try to fight it outright.

If they saw Carter sleeping in the same tent as a the leader, they saw it as a sign that they were mated, and while this didn't stop looks of disgust when he asked her questions and valued her opinion, it did seem to stop the kidnaps and the advances of the men.

Of course, there were always those men who thought she would be theirs, and in the end all it took was a single withering look from O'Neill and he was running home with his tail between his legs

**  
7) You cannot name it!**

Any animal that forms an attachment/dependency/fondness or other such infliction to a member of SG1 must not be named

No matter how cute, venerable or needy.

Of course, this rule was broken on many occasions. They named strays, they named animals that came into camp to steal leftovers...

This led to wanting to take it home…which of course, they couldn't do

There are those times, however, when it feels like your heart iwas being pulled from your chest when it flashes the sweetest (and cutest) puppy dog eyes at you.

Normally it was Carter or Daniel to develop feelings for an off-world animal but they never begged for it to be returned. They knew the rules and why they couldn't take said animal out of their natural environment.

**  
8) MRE's taste like crap, live with it! (or sneak food out)**

Over the years, the quality of MRE's improved, barely.

But there was nothing anyone could do about it. Simple meet and greets were nothing to worry about, normally 24 hours at most. A good hearty breakfast first would see you through.

If not, snacks!

Take 1 snack item each. If it can be carried on your person, i.e. personal inventory, then it wouldn't be separated from you.

Zip lock bags were currency amongst SG teams. Kept the food fresh and the smell away from local animals.

**  
9) The most simple items normally break the ice.**

Ball point pens, compact mirrors, watches, even foil wrappers.

One personal item per member, normally one of the above, because it was technology that could be easily replaced and wouldn't change the outcome of the future they would let the natives play, and if they took a fancy, let them keep.

**  
10) Tok'ra missions are never going to go well.**

Lets face it, the day the tok'ra come to them for a nice easy non-suisidal mission where everything would go right is the day the world ends.

Prepare for the worst, expect worse then that! and never, ever count on them coming to rescue you!

**11) Lakes make good bathes.**

Unhygenic…sure

Unclean…more than likely

But it is water, it washes you off.

**12) Murphy's law is unquestionable**

If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong (normally all at once)

There really is nothing you can do about it.

SG-1 had an unhealthy habit of beating the odds, but luck ran out.

Don't count on it being there

**13) If it seems to good to be true, It is!**

A corridor without guards?

All your weapons kept in the same unguarded area?

A huge explosion just happens to kill all your enemies in one go leaving you unharmed?

It it seems too easy, it cant be good news.

* * *

_There we go…for now_

_Next update sometime next week *timetable permitting*_


	9. Clothing and Food

_Disclaimer: I do not own SG-1 or anything associated with them. If I did, Pete would have been killed in a very nasty way, O'Neill would never, ever had left, the frat regs would have been thrown out the window and Janet wouldn't have died! –cough- _

_AN1: Can someone say they are sorry enough? _

_I can try right?_

_SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY_

_SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY_

_SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY_

_I know I promised to update sooner, but I really, really, really, didn't have the time_

_For a full list, or just a personalised sorry, just mail me  
_

_AN2: Thank you to all the fans that have left me gifts in my inbox, I mention no names…but cookies are always nice_

_T__his is only a short one to prove I'm still alive. _

_7630 hits and only 34 reviews?! You can do better than that people! _

**

* * *

**

**The unwritten rules of the SGC**

**6 Rules on Food and Clothes**

"We call each other every morning" that wasn't really an explanation, it was a way to stop the complicated discussion on politics that determined who wore what.

When off-world the dress code was pretty much determined. Green for pine trees. Brown for sand. Grey for battle and blue for anything else.

Food, taken off-world, eaten in the commissary, smuggled into the briefing room, when ever and where ever is governed by rules

But, like most unwritten rules, it is never that simple

**1) Chocolate is Universal**

Maybe not universal in the sense that every planet has it, in fact, I think earth may be the **ONLY** planet to have it, but it is universal in the fact that it is the best currency around.

It's like giving water to a dying man. Feed them a piece of it and you will make friends.

Unless of course they are power hunger snake heads in which case save the chocolate for a rainy day in the cell. It will cheer you up.

**Warning:** Do not give chocolate to the under 5's. It can cause hyperactivity which may, or may not; lead the locals to think you poisoned their children to keep them distracted.

**  
2) Birthdays will come with perks**

Green will not be worn on Carter's Birthday: she hates it

Blue will not be worn on Daniel's: it makes him look washed out

Brown will not be worn on Teal'c's: it makes him look bronze

Grey will not be worn on O'Neill's : it brings out his hair.

If off-world, one person, normally Daniel or Carter will bring with them in their private supply a muffin and a candle. Practicality dictates that it be small, and leave no mess (there is nothing worse than walking up to a local half covered in chocolate)

**  
3) Off world they love to play dress up**

It's **EXACTLY** how it sounds. The cultures that love to play dress up are normally primitive, with the clear male/female boundaries.

Females will be dressed in either be dressed modestly (on the lucky days) with clothing so rough that course hessian feels like silk. Or, in so little that it makes bikinis look like a suit, in material so fine you may as well not be wearing what little you are in at all.

Of course, there are those rare cultures that idolise women, and dress them in clothes that wouldn't look out of place in a beauty pageant.

The rule for women is: It could be worse. Enjoy feeling like a queen on those days when you get lucky, grin and bear it on the others, because, the right person may notice certain qualities that are hidden beneath BDUs. Pack spare underwear, something normally inappropriate will save your ass when you have to wear something humiliating…padded bra's are a lifesaver!

Males will be dressed in furs, to emphasise their role as hunter and leader. Normally with a bare chest (gym visits are almost ritual now). Men, as a whole have it far easier…but… when they are made to look like some reject from an S+M catalogue, the tables have turned.

The rule for men is: Put up, and shut up. You have the better deal by far. Think of it as payback for all those thoughts that ran through your head when a female member played dress up.

**  
4) They love to drug your food: pack your own**

Unless you happen to carry around a chemical lab, stick to the salad. You normally can't go wrong with salad. It's mostly home grown.

The nicer it looks the worse the headache will be in the morning.

Alcohol is on the "don't" list. Unless you trust the people you are drinking with, it is rather foolish to drink alcohol you don't know the taste of.

The earliest people used to drug mead! It doesn't take a degree in astrophysics to slip the wrong thing into a drink.

**  
5) Black goes with anything! **

I think it speaks for itself. The military love black. But they don't dictate how tight it has to be. If you can get away with it, go for gold.

It looks great with the leather they will undoubtedly ask you to wear at some point

**  
6) When sleeping off-world you will not comment on team members choice of underwear**

Whether it is modest black boxers, or Simpsons briefs no comment shall be made.

Unless of course you are wearing the red hearts and cherubs boxers that a certain someone got you for Valentine's Day…then it's open season

* * *

I wont promise to review quickly. Its exam season!

It's not as though many people are going to see them, what you wear under your military clothes, and out of site of locals is your business.


End file.
